"Life is queer with its twists and turns..."

i remember this line now from an old poem, Don't Quit, that Mama used to post around our "home" (the dinghy mezzanine floor above our store in the public market) while we were growing up (she liked to post a lot of quotes and poems on living life the best and noblest and highest way, despite our miserable physical surroundings...), as i am struck now by how queerly indeed my life has twisted and turned, especially in the past year.

first, i decided to take an unpaid year's leave off from university work, just to rest, relax, and follow my bliss. people thought i had lots of moolah stashed for the full 12 months ahead; they thought i was kidding when i said i was living in God's Grace month to month (i was)!

in June, a love which i thought to be The Love of My Life turned sour, but i consciously resolved not to take it like a victim and to keep my faith and hope for True Love still pure and unsullied instead... and then i met B on July 1, on his birthday!!! : )

then there was the awarding ceremony for my second national book award at the Cultural Center of the Philippines last July, and the fun radio interview out of town, which my kids enjoyed as much as i did (the radio station treated us like superstars, with our own coaster to fetch and bring us back to the hotel and wherever else we wanted to go after the interview).

after that was a children's literature conference i attended where i expected to just be a participant but ended up being like a "grand finale" speaker which got the audience very hyped up and involved.

then the U.S. visa interview with my sis, where the visa officer just asked us questions, didn't even look at the rest of the documents we brought, and then granted us 10-year multiple entry visas each!

then the fun, special bonding time with Mama in the States last Sept-Oct, where we got to relive our teenage years again and fill in the "missing link" in our lives (Mama left us when we were teenagers). we didn't know it was to be our last time with her together, but i think now that she knew all along.

then i come back here in October to have my books launched at The Negros Museum, along with the museum's Storytelling Program, in the midst of the Masskara Festival.

in December to February, both Papa and Mama got seriously sick, having to go in and out of the hospital several times, until they couldn't leave the hospital anymore. Papa was last admitted on Jan. 16, while Mama on Jan. 29. Papa died on Feb. 20, and Mama on March 10.

taking care of both, first here in Bacolod, then there in Atlanta, Georgia, was both special and surreal in itself. it was special because i discovered that one gets to forge and develop a new, adult relationship with one's parents one never had before when they were physically healthy and well. now that the tables are turned and they are dependent on you and you are taking care of them, the masks fall off, and you just relate to each other as full human beings in all your best and worst, and you find that if you just show up for them everyday anyway, just dig in there and continue to care for them the best way you can despite the arguments and the rehashing of unfinished business, the Love and Laughter remain and only grow stronger and unbreakable in the end. i would never have exchanged those last moments with Papa and Mama for all the world. it was the sublimest of benedictions.

and it was also most profoundly healing and special that both Papa and Mama just kept on asking about each other in the end. they were in each other's thoughts, even in their semi-conscious and pained states. how's that for deep Love, huh? : )

my brother, Tope, and my sister, Honey, and i-- we kid each other about our parents being Soulmates after all-- despite their stormy and tempestuous love and lives. but we also quietly know that all jokes contain a deep truth in them; we just joke about them because we could only comfortably take them in joke form; the deep truth both scare and awe us so...


yet, it was surreal, too, living in hospitals and around sick and dying people and the medical staff who also help care for them for three months, and then after that, having to deal with the business of funeral homes and cultural and social norms for the dead. it was twilight-zonish, waking up in the morning and not even able to make plans for noontime, because one never knows what happens next. after they died, it was twilight-zonish still, to find that people get so hung up about certain practices and arrangements (and money, yes, money!) and that they can even be the source of a lot of family and friends' dramatics and melodramatics.

in the midst of it all, i was asked to submit a proposal for an international conference, and found out later in April, that i received a full grant for my paper presentation proposal. so now i have been applying for my Schengen visa to Belgium, as well as preparing my paper for the conference.

in the midst of it all, too, B and i found time to be with each other, just the two of us, and it was a most special, special healing and sweet time.

then, there was the most welcome trip to New Jersey and New York, the bonding with cousins we last saw when we were children, and of course, conquering The Big Apple on our own. it was a most precious, healing gift from Tito Tony and Tita Melvi, more than they will ever know...

coming back home, i decided to beautify my home with part of the inheritance funds i received from Papa's estate. so since April, i have been living in home depots and hardware stores most times of the day. : )

now, i am looking forward to spending more special time with B again when his summer vacation starts, even as i prepare to go back to university teaching, refreshed and renewed in my zeal for the calling.

this afternoon, my publisher's staff communicated with me for a single-parenting talk they plan to do in July, a day before i leave for Belgium, and in which i have been invited to speak and share.

then i come home to find an email from Lifestyle Network who wants me to be a guest in their show! ;O

whew.

***

a friend asked me once how i was, and we both laughed when i said, "i'm mastering the art of winging it!"

but it's true. i am discovering now how life is so strange, all the best-laid intelligent plans can fall apart in a moment. no use stressing over the minutiae of the how-tos.

just focus on what brings you joy, and live more of them each moment each day. the rest, just wing it. ; )

true security is found inside, in your knowing and realization that no matter what happens, you can handle it... not really just because of you alone and the strength of character and life skills you have developed, but because somehow, you are taken care of and provided for, always, by both Seen and Unseen Friends of the heart and soul...

another friend shared with me a joke quote once, and which i find most apt now--

Life is short. Don't make it shorter!

: ) : ) : )

On Writing

Writing is an escape from a world that crowds me. I like being alone in a room. It's almost a form of meditation- an investigation of my own life. It has nothing to do with - I've got to get another play ~ Neil Simon

Raising Caring Kids

Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring and integrity, they think of you.

-H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

***
Please click here for the full article.

The Invisible Mother

I got this as a forwarded email from a friend and fellow mother. This is beautiful and makes a ton of sense. To all the wonderful mothers out there!

***

It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to be taken to the store. Inside I'm thinking, 'Can't you see I'm on the phone?' Obviously not; no one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all. I'm invisible. The invisible Mom. Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more: Can you fix this ? Can you tie this? Can you open this??

Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a clock to ask, 'What time is it?' I'm a satellite guide to answer, 'What number is the Disney Channel?' I'm a car to order, 'Right around 5:30, please.'

I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history and the mind that graduated summa cum laude - but now they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She's going, she's going, she's gone!?

One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England . Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when Janice turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, 'I brought you this.' It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe . I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I read her inscription:
'To Charlotte , with admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.'

In the days ahead I would read - no, devour - the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work: No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names. These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished. They made great sacrifices and expected no credit. The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.

A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, 'Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof, No one will ever see it. And the workman replied, 'Because God sees.'

I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place. It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, 'I see you, Charlotte. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does. No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become.

At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a disease that is erasing my life. It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride.

I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on. The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.

When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he's bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, 'My Mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for three hours and presses all the linens for the table.' That would mean I'd built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add, 'You're gonna love it there.'

As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible women.

Great Job, MOM!

***

The Will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.

$26 million might be taken away from children's reading

From Carol H. Rasco, president and CEO, of Reading Is Fundamental (RIF):

President Bush’s proposed budget calling for the elimination of Reading Is Fundamental’s (RIF) Inexpensive Book Distribution program would be devastating to the 4.6 million children and their families who receive free books and reading encouragement from RIF programs at nearly 20,000 locations throughout the U.S.

Unless Congress reinstates $26 million in funding for this program, RIF will not be able to distribute 16 million books annually to the nation’s youngest and most at-risk children. RIF programs in schools, childcare centers, migrant programs, military bases, and other locations serve children from low-income families, children with disabilities, foster and homeless children, and children without access to libraries.

To find out how you can help, please visit:
http://www.rif.org/get-involved/advocate/what/


***

a parable on exits and entrances

I've been reading this book I found in a used bookshop last Feb. 2, when Papa was still in the hospital. It has been helping me cope and come to terms with the struggle of his illness, and then his death, and mama's present illness too, and I hope you find the following parable as healing:

In Why Me?--

From "Gesher Hachayim" by Y. M. Tuckachinsky:

Imagine twins gestating in the mother's womb, speculating and challenging each other with the question, "What will happen to us after we leave the womb?" Since their entire frame of reference is the interior of the womb, there is no way they could conceive through their sense of sight or hearing what their future holds in store for them.

Suppose that one of the twins is a "believer", supported by his traditions that there is a future life in the next world, while the other brother, a "rationalist", accepts only what his logical mind perceives in the here and now. They each take firm stands and debate their respective positions with passion.

Basing his argument on a religious tradition that he is heir to, the believer maintains that when they exit from the womb they will be reborn into a life that is not limiting, that they will eat through their mouths and not be fed through their navels, that they will see a great distance, that they will hear through the funny things on the sides of the head they call ears. Feet will be straightened and they will be walking erect great distances on this planet Earth, in which deep oceans and gentle streams flow, nourishing all living things. Above them will be the wide expanse of heaven containing a golden sun, a silvery moon, and twinkling stars.

The rational twin roars with laughter at his brother, the simpleton. "Incredulous! Are you for real? No one has ever come back from the other side to tell us. It's all a myth. All we know is what our senses perceive, the objective facts that can be tested. Aside from this womb and its limits, the rest is subjective and has no basis in reality. What do you think will happen when you die?" presses the skeptic.

"Clearly," his believing brother answers, "when we exit the space of this world, we will enter into another world."

"Fool!" snaps his brother. "You will fall into an abyss from which you will never return. You will be annihilated as if you've never been."

Suddenly the water in the womb bursts. The rounded womb begins to shake and writhe. The believer makes a precipitous descent, is expelled, and gone from his brother's view.

The rationalist is shocked by his brother's fate and bemoans the tragedy that has befallen him. As he laments his brother's misfortune, he hears a piercing cry and loud shouts from the darkness into which his brother has disappeared. His fears of a terrible end are confirmed.

The skeptical brother is unaware that his supposed dead brother has entered into an exciting new world and that his own turn is near. The wail that he heard was a cry of a baby's health and the commotion was a chorus of congratulations from the doctors and nurses.

From the limited perspective of the fetus left temporarily behind in the womb, his brother had indeed died. He had been brutally torn from the unfamiliar world that provided protection, warmth, and nurture and hurled into the black pit of oblivion and annihilation.

From a larger view, that same event is called "birth". It represents a transition from a smaller world to a larger world, from a world bounded by the womb, where it passively received, to a wide, wide world where activity and free choice and responsibility open one to limitless possibilities.

Kids' Wisdom

i got this from a forwarded email, but thought i'd want to share my enjoyment, and the reminder of the kids' refreshing insights, with you : ) --

A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.

It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!

1.Don't change horses......until they stop running.

2.Strike while the.........bug is close.

3.It's always darkest before.......Daylight Saving Time.

4.Never underestimate the power of..............termites.

5.You can lead a horse to water but..................How?

6.Don't bite the hand that........................looks dirty.

7.No news is.............................impossible

8.A miss is as good as a........................Mr.

9.You can't teach an old dog new.........................Math

10.If you lie down with dogs, you'll.....stink in the morning.

11.Love all, trust..................Me.

12.The pen is mightier than the............................pigs.

13.An idle mind is...........................the best way to relax.

14.Where there's smoke there's.......................pollution.

15.Happy the bride who..................gets all the presents.

16.A penny saved is...........................not much.

17.Two's company, three's........................the Musketeers.

18.Don't put off till tomorrow what......you put on to go to bed.

19.Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and......You have to blow your nose.

20.There are none so blind as....................Stevie Wonder.

21.Children should be seen and not......spanked or grounded.

22.If at first you don't succeed.............get new batteries.

23.You get out of something only what you.........See in the picture on the box

24.When the blind lead the blind...........get out of the way.

25.A bird in the hand.................is going to poop on you.

And the Best for Last . . .

26. Better late than...................Pregnant.