getting better

it still comes, this gnawing, anxious feeling that eats at me, especially when i'm "doing nothing" or not doing much in line with my To Dos and my schedules... it still comes.

but i'm getting better at dispelling it now: i know my bottomline priorities and i'm kinder, gentler to my self now.

i've also adopted the philosophy that if things can't be stuffed into one full day, despite my best efforts, then they were really not meant to be done today.

i've also come to respect and honor the flows and cycles of Life as they come-- sometimes what we think should be done ASAP might usually be better off being left alone for now and allowed to take further "cooking and stewing", in the bigger scheme of things.

and then there is my meditation practice, thank God for it! it'll be 3 years now this December, and i'm getting better at intentionally carving out time and space for my self for it, and i've found that indeed, the busier one is, the more one needs this holy solitude to ground and center one's self in.

now, it has come again, this gnawing, anxious feeling that eats at me, telling me that i should be doing something else more "productive"... but i stay here, with my self, preparing for meditation.

i have learned that when this voice comes and nags me to keep "doing", most often, it's a signal for me to stop and stay ... and learn. that there is something going on inside of me, or in the subterranean depths of my life, that i need to pay attention to... but the ego is uncomfortable, would rather escape into "activities"... yet the Soul demands complete and focused attention.

and so, i stay, despite the discomfort it brings.

and so, it still comes.

and then, it'll go, i know that much, for sure, now.